spellslots | riverview; ic contact & friendr

See ya soon

[In the interest of not burning all his spell slots unless it's an emergency, Taako does things the modern way, which is taking a cab.

So it takes him around ten minutes to get to Lucretia's, but then he's knocking at her door, with a plate of pastries in hand because even if things are tense between them, he's not an animal.]

(She knows. Sometimes she's gutted that he's become sensible about this because it means she has to wait longer.

But when she opens the door to his eventual knock, it's not as if she isn't happy to see him. They've haven't been hanging out a whole lot lately, and she's been worried for him during all the memory share crap.)

Hey. (The plate of pastries makes her smile, too.) Little something you prepared earlier?

Nah, I whipped these up during the cab ride.

[Some days it's easier to hold onto how things used to be, and he's in an... okay mood, today, so he smiles as he holds out the plate.]

There's a secret inside, but you gotta try 'em to find out.

[It's a matcha cream he's been messing around with.]

Huh. (She takes the plate curiously, and steps back to let him in.)

Sounds ominous. Can I get you anything?

It's hella ominous, and nah, I'm good.

[Taako is familiar enough with Lucretia's place to head into the living room (after taking his shoes off, still not an animal) to claim a spot on the couch.

Maybe he should be nervous about whatever it is she wants to talk about, but he's honestly so exhausted by all the emotional crap lately that he doesn't have it in him.]

Alright, hit me, bubbale, I can take it.

(Lucretia sets the plate down on the table and takes a seat there, shifting the chair so she can face him.)

Okay. (She takes a pastry, for comfort. Where does she even begin with this.)

I... (sigh, and a bite of pastry, one hand popping up to hide her mouth as she chews.) I wanted to talk to you about– well, everything, I guess. Since I opened the– wow, Taako.

(Matcha, huh. It's good.)

[It's not hard to tell that the rest of that sentence was going to be canister and okay, maybe Taako has a little bit of emotional energy left, enough to feel a tiny bit wary at how this conversation is about to go.

Every time they talk about this they fight, so he's also grateful when the food distracts her.]

You expected something subpar from Taako?

I mean I expected something delicious but this is divine did- uh, did you grind the powder yourself? Or did you find it here?

(She's letting herself get distracted just as he is trying to distract her. They are both terrible. Lucretia swallows her mouthful of pastry and frowns, pinching the bridge of her nose.)

Don't answer that. Or- answer it later. What I'm trying to say is that I wanted to... to apologise.

[Taako goes still in the way he always does when something difficult comes up and he doesn't know how to deal with it; he's so tempted to just ignore it and focus on the matcha questions, because sure, he wants an apology, but he's not sure if he can handle one. Because after everything, he's not even sure he can believe it.]

Sure, whatever.

[It should sound light and dismissive, but something in his voice breaks as he says it, and Taako can't quite look at Lucretia anymore.]

Edited 2017-10-25 05:04 (UTC)

(Lucretia hesitates.

He's made it difficult by reacting this way, of course. She can feel Taako's exhaustion from here, an exhaustion that probably extends to being both physical and mental all things considered, and as much as she wants to talk about this she can tell that he doesn't. So it's just another situation where she's forcing him to do what she wants.

Cool.)

Taako, I... (she props one elbow up on the table and chins her hand, watching him carefully.) Look. I don't want to drag you into anything you're not ready to listen to. It can always wait, if this isn't the right time.

[In retrospect, maybe he should've expected this when he agreed to see her, but he honestly wasn't thinking that far ahead, mostly because he didn't have the energy to worry about what Lucretia wanted to talk to him about. He'd just come because he could, because he's not actively mad at her right now, and because it would've weighed on him if he'd ignored the request.

He's quiet for... a while, trying to decide if he wants to just leave, but then he doesn't know if he'll ever come back, if he'll ever really be ready for this conversation.]

No, it's-- [Not fine, but he can cope.] Pretty sure last time we had this fucking chat you didn't think you'd done anything wrong.

[About taking Lup from him and "sparing" him that pain.]

(Lucretia chews the inside of her cheek while he considers her, acutely aware that she's going to say her bit and he's either going to accept it, or not, and that will be that. She can't keep trying, can't keep reevaluating the situation and then coming back to him to have another crack at it. He doesn't deserve that.)

That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I shared a dream memory with Lup, of leaving you all behind after I erased your memories and... I dunno, Taako.

(She sounds tired too. It's hard for her to talk about this, because until now she had been clinging to the last little bit of her plan to keep from feeling utterly hopeless and miserable with herself, but she doesn't have that any more. It's better this way, of course, but it still hurts.)

All this time, I thought... well, you know what I thought. I took Lup out of the equation because I was convinced that I was doing right by you, but in the end it only served to- to put my own mind at ease. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I assumed this decision was a harmless one, that it was only for a year and that you could... that nothing would come of it, and I was wrong. I was so, so wrong.

I didn't think of what that would do to you. I was too lost in what I thought was this grand, benevolent scheme to think about what you wanted, or needed. It wasn't my decision to make, but I did it anyway and I know that this is too little and too late but I just– I wanted to say something. I'm so sorry.

[It's so tempting to say something nasty, to point out how fucking long it's taken her to come to this realization, to be petty and bitter and reminder that an apology doesn't change anything, it doesn't fix the way she ruined him.

But that reaction is kneejerk, a way to stop himself from actually having to deal with this and to make Lucretia feel bad, which is satisfying in the short term but not productive and he's... trying to be better. So he swallows down the immediate urge to snipe at her and tries to like, work out how he really feels about what she's saying, and that's not the easiest thing to do.

Taako shifts where he's sitting so he can lean back against the arm of the couch, looking up at the ceiling as he tries to sort through everything she just said.]

I'm not-- I don't forgive you. [There's nothing vicious in his tone, just quiet and sad and a little matter-of-fact, because she can be sorry, but it doesn't undo what she did.

He swallows around the lump in his throat.] But thanks. Thank you. For apologizing.

That's okay.

(It's fitting that Taako is staring at the ceiling while he speaks, because she is looking down at her hands, which she has drawn tight into her lap, fingers twined together. It's not okay, but it's the most that she's going to get and she'll learn to be fine with it. He doesn't ever have to forgive her. She's glad he heard her out at all.

Now he is thanking her for apologising to him for ruining his life; Lucretia has to blink back the tears.)

Please don't say that. It took me far too long to say it, to even realise it.

Edited (in my eternal sadness i forgot a word) 2017-10-25 11:25 (UTC)

No, I just-- [That temptation is there again, but he can hear the tightness in her voice and after everything, he still loves her. Maybe he'll never forgive her, but he'll never stop loving her, either.] I'm glad you said it. I'm glad you finally fucking get it.

[It won't make him forgive her, but maybe it's a step towards something like it.]

(Lucretia exhales slowly, leaning back in her chair and finally looking at him. He has this strange expression on his face, like he can't decide if he wants to yell at her or not. Thankfully, though, he seems to be sticking to 'not', which she is selfishly glad for.)

Me too.

(She's not good at being wrong.

She reaches for another pastry without thinking, popping it into her mouth and then passing the plate over to him.)

[Taako takes one of the pastries, if only to give himself something to do while he keeps turning all this over in his head, because despite reaching some kind of conclusion about how he feels, it's still difficult.

After a few moments of silence, he speaks up again.]

I still don't-- I can't, uh, remember much of that? When you left us. It's still kinda static-y.

[He wonders if it's because Fisher and was taking so much, because he was still struggling from the first loss of memories when the rest were taken.]

(She doesn't talk with her mouth full this time, taking the time to chew and swallow.)

Mmm. Erasure upon erasure; I wouldn't be surprised if... if too much at once fogs a few things up.

(She's glad he doesn't quite remember that. It had all felt so horrible and strange, walking them to their respective places as a stranger, and leaving them behind scattered, and without her.)

[Taako makes a noncommittal noise, falling back into silence as he consider what to say next. None of this is easy, and he's still kind of struggling with what to say, how to address any of this.]

Would-- would you change it, if you could?

[She can't, but that isn't what he's asking.]

Yes.

(No consideration required: she's been thinking about this one a lot lately.)

But I can't. (And it hurts, to have that clarity. Especially knowing that once she returns she'll forget that any of this happened, and continue on for a decade. Lucretia is scared to be that alone again.)

Edited (too small) 2017-10-27 00:31 (UTC)

Yeah, I know.

[But it means something that she'd change it, because it's one thing to apologize after everything has happened and another to really, properly realize that it was a shitty fucking thing to do.]

(They both fall silent again. It's not uncomfortable, but it is quite final; they both have a lot to think about, now. Lucretia feels like she wants to go lie down and sleep for a week. When she wakes up the ghosts and the memories will be gone, and maybe this horrible chasm between her and Taako will have lessened a little.)

Anyway that's uh... that's it. That's all I had to say.

(She moodily takes another pastry but doesn't eat it, just looks at it for a bit.)

If you want to leave that's cool.

[That offer to leave is genuinely considered for a long moment; he doesn't feel like there's more he can say to her right now and it's probably best if he doesn't try to come up with something, since that's likely to end with him fumbling even more.

But he's not sure if he wants to leave, either.]

You wanna watch trashy reality TV?

[They can watch and not talk, or talk about dumb life choices that people make, without having to get into all their own bullshit.]

... Yeah.

(That actually sounds pretty good. Besides, they've known each other for a century: they've long got past the point where they feel like they have to force conversation. She uses mage hand to gently toss the remote toward Taako while she gets up to make herself a cup of tea.

And then pauses by the cabinet instead.)

Wine?

[Taako grabs the remote and starts flicking through the TV, trying to find something trashy enough to watch.]

Oh, I'm actually doing a detox, no wine for me. [He says it with a straight face, but can only last about three seconds before he snorts.] Can you fucking imagine? Gimme a glass of red.

riverview; ic contact & friendr

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)