Taako (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
spellslots) wrote2017-12-07 07:14 pm
spellslots) wrote2017-12-07 07:14 pm
Entry tags:
riverview; ic contact & friendr
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no subject
[ Cisco thinks he has a somewhat new appreciation of that, after the week he's had. The happiness he'd felt not remembering about Eobard had been a lie, but wow had he been happy. And even now, with Taako here to keep him from unraveling completely, he is not happy. Getting back to happy is going to take some doing.
So he can see how, if the process were similar for Magnus, and he knew who was responsible for flipping the switch, and he hadn't had any input, there might be some resentment there. ]
Always doesn't matter. Now is what matters. And... tomorrow and the day after.
[ Cisco huffs out a short laugh at the way that had sounded, as if he is implying Taako should come back and do this again and again, like his own personal braid servant. ]
I'm not saying you gotta look after me all week. I just meant that being a good friend, or a good person, is something you gotta choose every day. Just because you started choosing it more recently than somebody else doesn't make you worse than them.
[ Cisco knows that in general Taako's self-image is pretty damn healthy and confident, but he has drunk a lot of red wine and he's also in a headspace to appreciate loyalty, acutely. So rather than just leaving it there, he draws in a slow breath and adds: ]
You, and Eddie... you've both been here for me, any time I needed you. I'm not used to... It's just... I've never had that, before. From friends or, y'know. Anybody.
[ It's not the easiest to say, because in a way it's an accusation of his friends in Central City, for not having Cisco's back at the times when he needed them most. Cisco hadn't even realized it at the time. He'd been so pathetically grateful that he even had friends that he never would have criticized their behavior. Not even when at times it was maybe not the greatest. Caitlin, snapping at him that he was crazy for thinking Wells could do anything wrong, leaving him to investigate all on his own, then disbelieving him when he told them all about his nightmares. Barry, coaxing him into experimenting with the goggles even when he was terrified and uncertain, talking him into re-enacting the lead-up to his murder as a trap even after Cisco said he thought he might have PTSD, and then caring more about getting a potential confession from Wells than about saving Cisco's life. The both of them, deserting him for months when they didn't feel like seeing him.
Having a point of comparison does wonders for putting things in perspective. And the sort of friend that Taako has been for Cisco has made it clearer that, as much as he loved them, Barry and Caitlin didn't have his back in the same way. Not even close. ]
Okay, okay. Done being a sap, I promise. Can I braid yours, when you're done?
no subject
It's not that he minds, really, and it's not entirely out of left field for Cisco to say stuff like this, it's just that despite remembering Lup, there's still a part of him that wants to immediately shut down as soon as feelings happen, to avoid any kind of discomfort. Little bits of it are fine, or things that don't involve him quite so much, like letting Jon cry on him. But this is Cisco saying he's glad that Taako has been there for him and talking about choosing to be good and it's just a lot.
So when Cisco offers up that little bit of a joke, Taako happily latches onto it.]
Oh, thank god, I thought it was never gonna end.
[And he does make it sound like a joke, even if also gives Cisco's shoulder a brief squeeze, a silent I heard you. It's probably not enough, he feels guilty for not being able to find some kind of words to say in response, but it's all he's got right now.]
And I can be done whenever, I'm just kinda messing around back here.
no subject
That perspective says that actions speak so much louder than words that the difference is incomparable. Barry and Caitlin could say they were Cisco's friends, but they had only acted like it when it suited them. Hell, Eobard had said he loved Cisco, thought of him as a son, and then murdered him.
And here Taako is, complaining that he thought Cisco's sappy speech would never end, all while gently twisting Cisco's hair together into braids, careful and soothing. He had forgiven Cisco at once, had come over to keep him company even though he is the hottest of hot messes at the moment, and he stands to gain nothing from the whole thing.
Cisco doesn't need words from Taako - his actions are more than enough. ]
Okay. Gimme a shot, then. I wanna see if I can still do a crown braid. Lemme check this out first, though.
[ Cisco gets up off the couch, makes his way over into the little attached bathroom so he can examine his hair in the mirror. He makes tiny appreciative noises at what Taako had done with his hair, pauses a few extra moment to splash some cold water on his face and clean himself up a little. It is still obvious that he had cried earlier, and he's a touch flushed from the booze, but he looks semi-human, at least.
When he comes back he has a few elastics, and seems more stable than he has since Taako arrived. ]
I used to be okay at this, but it's been a few years. I'd always get put on braid duty for the little cousins when there were big family whatevers.
[ Cisco undoes Taako's hair, shaking it out loose and finger-combing it quickly before he gets started. ]
So did you hear anything about what made us forget stuff? I mean... how, or why?
[ He hadn't been in the researching mood, since he'd gotten his memories back, but now that he is feeling a little more himself, he's starting to be curious. ]
no subject
And then he'd joined the IPRE, and suddenly there were five more people in his life who became like family. At first, it had been hard, seven people with different communication styles living through the apocalypse together, over and over again, but eventually they'd all worked it out. None of them ever expected more from him than he could give, they understood that it didn't matter if he told them he didn't give a shit, because at the end of the day, he'd be there regardless of what had or hadn't been said.
He appreciates that Cisco seems to get this, too. It means he doesn't have to feel too bad about not being able to articulate a response.
So while Cisco is in the bathroom, Taako hops up briefly to stretch his legs, then resettles himself on the couch for his turn at braiding adventures.]
You cannot be worse at it than Magnus.
[It's been a long time since that, too, since anyone but Lup has really messed with his hair. Sometimes Lucretia will do little braids if he's sprawled on her during a movie night, but that's not the same as sitting still while Cisco finger combs his hair but - it's fine. He trusts Cisco.]
Uh, I heard something about a mission bringing back... spores? Some plant bullshit, but as soon as I knew it wasn't magic I stopped listening, sorry.
[He's not a botanist.]
no subject
[ That seems to Cisco to be, likely enough, an interesting and hopefully not super personal or private period of Taako's life that he doesn't know about yet. To him, it seems kind of great, that Taako and Magnus at least keep meeting, keep becoming friends despite not always remembering one another.
He parts Taako's hair down the middle, begins pulling together a dutch braid from the nape of his neck, moving up and over his ear, carefully incorporating in more and hair to the three strands as he goes. It's good, to have tactile to focus on, something semi-complicated to do with his hands. ]
Spores. Why's it always gotta be spores?
[ Cisco's certainly not a botanist, either. But the fact that he is willing to joke a little about the amnesia - or at least the thing that caused it - is progress. ]
Maybe I'll just start going around in a gas mask all the time. Make it the new fashion trend. That wouldn't be creepy, right?
no subject
Taako doesn't address the gas mask or the spores or anything, because the question drags him back to the moment of that explanation, and the scenes that followed.
You fucking took everything from me.]
Lucretia.
[It's an easy answer, but one said quietly. There's no funny or exciting story here, no bond that drew them back together; they reunited because Lucretia wanted them to, because even after she ruined his life, she still wanted to control it. Maybe he should be more generous; it's not like he was in a good place before she found him, and reclaiming the relics led to him remembering Lup but...
It's hard not to be bitter, sometimes, especially when all he can think about is her explanation that came only seconds before he leveled the umbra staff at her, ready to do... gods knows what. He's not sure what he was ready to do.]
no subject
The one-word answer explains a lot. Cisco knows that Lucretia and Taako are friendly enough to be living together, but they've also known each other for 100 years. That makes them more like family than just friends, and Cisco knows just how messy and ambivalent stuff can get when it comes to family. And if it turns out that, in addition to erasing so much of Taako's memories, she was also pulling the strings while he didn't remember... well, how could that not be complicated. ]
Gotcha.
[ Which is his deliberately casual way to say that he understands, that Taako doesn't have to say any more if he doesn't want to. Cisco keeps on braiding, reaches the point where there is no more hair to incorporate and he just braids out the rest quickly, secures the end with a small elastic. Then he is switching to the other side, the other half of Taako's hair, and starting a new Dutch braid, this one going downwards from his forehead.
He should probably change the subject entirely. But Cisco instead says: ]
I haven't got any clue how much stuff in my life for the last few years happened by accident and how much was Dr. Wells pulling the strings. I'm pretty sure he made it so I got the apartment I did, because it would be easier to bug so he could spy on me. And I think he might've... I think maybe he arranged things so nobody else would offer me a very good job, because he wanted me working for him, and feeling like I was lucky for the opportunity.
[ The transition, from one topic to another, leaves no question that Cisco didn't just randomly dive into talking about the power that Eobard exerted over his life; he is making an explicit comparison, to Lucretia, setting up Taako and Merle and Magnus to meet again. Comparing her to Eobard. ]
no subject
Don't.
[Lucretia hurt him, a lot, but he can't stand the comparison because it's too much like suggestion that she hurt him on purpose; it's easier to accept being collateral damage, to accept that she let him be hurt as a necessity, but not because she was cruel or selfish, like Eobard. Because if he can't believe that she did what she did out of love, he doesn't think he'll ever forgive her.]
Have you ever - uh, you know when you do something and like halfway through it gets fucked up but you don't wanna quit cause then you've wasted all your time, so you keep trying even if you don't think it's gonna work out?
[It's like that.]
no subject
Sorry.
[ He doesn't argue the point; he doesn't want to hurt Taako any more than he already has with the mere suggestion of a similarity. Taako knows Lucretia much better than he does; Cisco had thought she was very nice, when they had spoken. (But then, Cisco thinks, he had loved and been devoted to Eobard, so he doesn't exactly have a whole lot of faith in his intuition when it comes to people).
He makes wordless sound of agreement, confirming he has experienced at the sort of mindset that Taako is describing. At first, he thinks that it doesn't excuse what she'd done to Taako; a moment later, though, all the anger goes out of him. What is he even doing, comparing Lucretia to him? Eobard had stalked people, murdered people in cold blood, had traveled back in time just to try kill a child - all for selfish reasons. Lucretia, from what he's heard, had done what she'd done to try to save the universe and help her friends. Big difference. ]
I shouldn't have said that.
[ There's real contrition in his voice, and his hands work a bit faster on the braid, finishing it out and securing the end with another elastic. He starts pulling gently at the braids, widening them, making them look bigger and just a touch messy. Then, he pulls a few of the bobby pins from his pocket and starts to work on pinning those braids into a neat crown circling Taako's head.
This cynicism, this awful tendency to extrapolate pure evil from the smallest coincidental similarity to Eobard, is something he'd been free of for a week. Now, it's back with a vengeance, making him speak ill of a woman he barely knows. Cisco sighs, gnaws at his bottom lip. He has the braid on the left positioned and pinned before he says: ]
I do that too much. Compare people to him. Just... usually not out loud. But internally. Like, as a defense mechanism, maybe, who the hell knows. It's dumb, but I'm not sure how to stop.
[ Cisco trails off at the end there, tucking the end of one braid beneath the beginning section of the other. He knows it sounds like he is just making excuses. ]
no subject
[It isn't really fine, but not in a way that Cisco can really do anything about, it's just that now the comparison has been drawn it's hard from Taako to stop some traitorous part of his mind from wondering if it's true. Lucretia was frustrated with him, when he wouldn't consider her view point, and then she was so distant in the months leading up to her betrayal. Maybe she took away Lup as a way to hurt him.
But that's a really awful way to think, about someone he loves, and he's glad that there's a little stretch of silence where he can shove those thoughts away.]
And like, I get it. I-- [He wants to explain, that he understands that feeling, drawing comparisons between Sazed and everyone he meets. As soon as someone looks at him like he's infallible, like he's perfect, it makes his skin crawl. He wants to be admired, sure, but he wants the people close to him to be able to see through all that shit. Because then they won't be disappointed in him, and that disappointment won't turn bitter, the way it must have with Sazed.
But he can't talk about, so instead he just repeats, more quietly:] I get it.
no subject
Yeah.
[ A few more bobby pins, here and there, and Cisco is finished. He twists gently at the small wisps of hair he'd left in the front, just enough to frame Taako's face, gets a little unsteadily to his feet and takes a few steps back to examine the final outcome. He sets his hands on his hips, smiling in a wan way and then gesturing Taako over, towards the bathroom and its mirror ]
Come have a look?
[ It might not be quite as neat as he used to be able to do them, but it is still pretty damn cute. And Cisco feels a little burst of accomplishment and pride over that, which may be stupid, but right now it's nice to have a reminder that there are many parts of him that are still the same as before he met Eobard. There are things in his life that, despite his general pervasiveness, Eobard had never touched or influenced. ]
no subject
After a moment of scrutinizing it in the mirror:]
Do you accept constructive criticism?
[His tone is light, though, probably pretty familiar to Cisco by this point as Taako's "I'm tormenting you" voice. Because the braids are lovely, he's just a shit.]
no subject
Really? In my time of vulnerability? You're gonna go all braid expert on me?
[ The fact that he's even able to make that joke at his own expense is a good sign. Humor is one of Cisco's best ways of dealing with this bullshit, but it's hard to do that all on his own. What's a joke without an audience? ]
Fine, go for it.
[ He's curious now whether Taako had actually planned ahead and thought of something to say. ]
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It sucks.
[It's said with a laugh as Taako quickly closes the distance between himself and Cisco, plants a kiss on Cisco's cheek, and then skips past him back into the main part of the room.]
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He follows his friend back into the bedroom, flopping onto the couch and immediately reaching forward for one of the beignets. He hasn't had anything to eat today except red wine, which doesn't really count. Before, in the hours leading up to him texting Taako, every time he'd considered getting food, it had turned his stomach. But now, he is calm enough to actually feel that hunger, and he devours the pastry in no time at all, before picking up another one. He's trying not to make a mess with the powdered sugar, but he's a bit drunk and it's a losing battle. ]
Taako. Taako. This is honestly the greatest thing I've ever eaten, ever. How is it even possible a person made these?
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First of all, we both know that's a lie cause I've cooked other shit for you that's been fucking leagues better, you're just drunk. Secondly, thank you.
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[ At least, that is almost definitely what Cisco said, though he had a good portion of another beignet in his mouth at the time, so it's possible a few of the words were slightly different. He usually manages much better table manners than this, but... wine, and hunger. ]
How do you even make these anyway?
[ Because he has found out over the course of their friendship that, if he's in the right mood, Taako loves not only baking things for people, but talking about the way that he made them, all the little steps and intricate care put in. Probably a holdover from his Sizzle It Up days. Whatever the reason, he can make a recipe into a hell of a story, and Cisco is curious what kinds of work go into a beignet.
Stuff might be messed up, horribly, but there are still sweets in the world. Still things to learn. And still friends to make him feel a little less awful. ]